Mary Sue Diary
by TigerOfIthilien
Summary: Tigeress will be taking you on a narrated safari in this story. What we will be following? Mary Sues! An angsty sue, a goddess sue, and a self-insert sue are present. Includes tips for creating a character that is not a Mary sue- try to spot them! Rated T to be safe.
1. Introduction

Hi there!

Tiger here, and she's going to be recording the lives of three Mary Sues!

*gasp*

I know, it's amazing. I am going to be following different Mary Sues on their quest to perfection in the world of Lord of the Rings! *shows three large boxes* And, drumroll please... I welcome the Angsty/Elven Sue, Anne WithaE , the Questing/Goddess/Fairy Sue, Lillian Jessie Lola Perri Mackenzie Chase, and the Self Insert Sue, ...erm... Sally Evans.

I, Tigeress, will record their doings in the Lord of the Rings fandom, where everybody living there has agreed to conducting this test, -unlike some other fandoms- and have allowed me to let loose the Mary Sues in their fandoms for the purpose of this story. However, when you are not reading this, the Mary Sues will be frozen in time and the Middle Earthers out of their alternate personalities allowing them to throw rotten tomatoes at the Mary Sues. After this testing, they will return to their normal selves.

*boxes rustle*

The Mary Sues are getting impatient. Watch closely now, as my assistants open the boxes to let them out... See now, out on the street? The Middle Eartheners look different, don't they? That's their alternate personalities taking place. They will be freed every time the above takes place, or when the Mary Sue is out of sight.

Oh, enough talking. Let's start by flying after the Angsty Sue, Anne WithaE!


	2. Meet Angsty

**Replies~**

**XD Really, you think so? :o thanks for reviewing! :3**

Oh! You see that speck in the horizon?

Yeah, the that's crying.

That's Anne WithaE, or our resident Angsty Sue.

Remember, we gave her different memories; she now thinks she's been part of this world since her birth.

Since we've found her, I shall revert into my SueAuthor style for your enjoyment, though it pains me.

Bad writing is intentional.

SueAuthor Writing:

Anne WithaE, the beautiful, ebony and silverware haired girl, sat weeping on the edge of an huge cliffhanger, her feet falling off the corner. Her jeans were ripped, and her eyes were like limpid cerulean pools of water. She blinked those wonderful blue eyes, and wiped her pale arm on her nose. She was wearing a baseball cap. Her tennis shoes had white laces.

Ever since fifteen years ago, when she fell off an equine at the age of one hour, she had been alone in the wilderness. She had had only one pet, a fish, and it had died when she tried to lope it on a leash. Suddenly, there was a crackling of oakleaves behind her. She swivled around and looked at the person coming out.

It was an elf.

Not just any elf, but Tauriel herself! Only the most famous elf, right? Well, the millisecond Tauriel's eyes connected on Anne, the elf let out an exclamation of lightning and bliss. "Oh, Anne! It's really you, my sister!" Tauriel exclaimed, ignoring the fact that nobody had ever seen Anne since she was an hour old.

"Uh... Whaaat?" Anne sobbed

"You're my sister! The elf of the Sun Fire!"

"Whaaa... Okay..." Anne tried to evaporate her tears while Tauriel watched, so that she wouldn't be embarrased.

Anne was too angsty to do anything else, so she just hopped onto Tauriel's horse, Motorcycle. Anne's green eyes were still lakey with tears. Tauriel twisted the /handlebars/ reins, and said, "Go Motorcycle! Show us the meaning of haste!" Motorcycle, since he was a teleportation horse, disappeared, and reappeared in Tauriel's castle, because Tauriel was a princess, conveniently for Anne. She was now Princess Anne of the WithaE Castle!1!1!2!'3 475'io!'

But Anne didn't care very much. She just fell onto her bed and started woeing about her bad fortune, her inability to play the clarinet, and her 'huge' nose. She was so sad. She patted her pet bunny.

"Oh, I love animals... They are the only ones that understand me..." she sighed.

She put down her bunny and started putting on makeup, never mind that Middle Earth doesn't know what makeup is.

Suddenly, Anne broke into tears again. "This lipstick... It's too red!" She sobbed. Her amber eyes sparkled with tears.

DUN DUN DUNNNN

A/N: I'm sorry it's so short, guys, but remember, I'll be updating as often as possible. :3 plus, in this chapter, I've given a hint as to how Angsty will die. ;)


	3. Meet Self-Insert

**Replies: **

**Aria Breuer: I know. XD Actually, I'm a) trying to make it seem like the SueAuthor has minor prior knowledge of LOTR, and b) since there's going to be a b*****!Arwen, Angsty still needs a prominent female elf for her sister. :) and believe me, angsty is going to be very exciting. XD **

**Quiet Hiker: You really think so? I enjoy writing those parts; the sarcasm, and also I actually get to write normally. X3 **

**Your Own Random Stalker: XD The most ferocious, quite true. I think it's honestly really fun to write the narrator; the briskness and ease of the writing. :P **

Welcome back, faithful viewers of Mary Sue Diary. Today, we've caught up with another of our Sues- self-insert Sue.

You see how she's very slim, slightly muscled arms, and beautiful facial features? That's the creator (we used 'genuine' Mary Sue authors to make the characters) inserting herself; just making herself better. She changed the character's hair to a deep brown, and the eyes, which were originally hazel, turned amber.

Sally -the SueAuthor- even named the character after herself. But don't worry. The SueAuthor is locked up in our facility.

Self-Insert's stretching, now; she's probably getting ready to do something. I'd better resort to my SueAuthor writing. *grumbles* for your enjoyment...

Remember, bad writing is intentional, -today, the bad writing is going to be much worse- and canon ideas have been switched around.

SueAuthor Writing:

Color swirled across Sally Evanses face. Her Rapunzel-like brown hair dragged behind her. She had just been transported to Middle-Earth by way of MAGICK! She had been minding her own buisness when she stepped into a dressr and was transported to Middle Earth! She immediately acclimated to the surroundings. She wanted to visit the Fortress of Gondor, so when she saw a passerby elf, she asked it -in perfect Sindrin- how to get there. She got the directions, so she started walking from Mirkwood to Gondor. She got there in five minutes, and stood, gasping at the city.

Sally - only the most gorgeous girl on the planet - then walked straight up to the Castle of Gondor and rapped sharply on the door. Immediately, the King, Theoden, opened the door and welcomed her in. "I'm glad you weren't a monster." He said. She made a gesture. "I'd have killed them off long before they reached your gait." "Walk with me to the palace of... Ro-" he struggled for a minute, then said, "Gondor." He strutted easily forward and flailed for her to comr into his castle, saying, "You know, you should immediately bring a stranger into your castle when they just rapped on your castle gate."

Suddenly! The gate burst open! Gondor being attacked by Saruon! Immediately, Sally flashed out her knives that she always carried with her and killed a troll, an AMAZING feat, but easy for her! (A/N I could do it, too! She's so liek me!1!) She disabled the rest of the orcs and scared off Saron, who ran away screaming like a little girl.

"Good job!" A cheerful voice sounded behind her. A dark-haired man with a hint of a beard (A/N Will Turner is so hot!) gazed at her. Sally felt something rise inside her, and reached out to touch the man. Even though she didn't know his name, she felt a strange attraction to him.

King Theoden said, "This is Aragorn. Aragorn, this is Sally."

She smiled and shook his hand.

Aragorn then turned to King Theoden and said, "I'm going to sweep the walls." With that, Aragorn walked off.

Sally bowed to King Theoden and said, "Do you have anywhere I could bed down tonight?"

Theoden said, "my niece Eowyn is in Rohan right now for an exchange trip while Aragorn is here; you can take her room." As she walked toward the room, Theoden shouted behind her, "It's the room next to Arwen's!"

Sally walked down the corridor, and was about to turn into her room when a voice drawled from behind her. "Well, well. What do we have here?"

Sally turned around, flushing, and she saw a dark-haired elf, wrapped in a robe, studying her silently.

"Er- I'm Sally Evans, are you Arwen?" Sally said, hoping to make friends.

"Duh." Arwen advanced on Sally slowly, her eyes narrowing. She pressed a dagger against her neck. "Don't let me see you with Aragorn ever again." (A/N Arwen's so mean! D:)

Arwen backed away and went into her room, leaving Sally to step into her own, and mull over her thoughts.

End of Sue Writing

...not that she had any thoughts. *cheerfully announces* ...Aaanyway... Tomorrow, we'll catch up with our...friend... Goddess Sue - I forget her name... Umm... Well, please review and if you have any, why not share your ideas on how to kill this Mary Sue! :D


	4. Meet Goddess

**Replies:**

** Quiet Hiker: Haha! That's awesome! And I was thinking just the other day what would happen if Justin Bieber met the Ringwraiths… hehe**

** Your Own Random Stalker: Poor, jealous Arwen, huh? *****grins* I couldn't let her become another of those soppy characters!**

** KibethAstarel: Well, she's here. XD And yes, they were. :3**

** Nana's Baby: That's weird! I wonder why?**

No! No! Camera _this _way please! *pauses* Wait, is that thing on?

Erm… *cough cough* Welcome back, Mary Sue Diary viewers! *epic music in the background* Today, we have found Goddess Sue… It's not pretty.

*ducks* She's like Superman, but worse! She keeps buzzing over our heads, great that we're invisible!

Woah, that was close… She almost rammed into the car… Jace, ya alright? *muffled yell* 'Yeah!'

Well… anyway, can you see that magic amulet on her throat? That's a Mary Sue tipoff, there… unfortunately, amulets are worn so much by Mary Sues they have become practically a flashing sign – 'Mary Sue here, come and get me!'

DUCK! *whizzing*

She… blew my hat off…

Um… I'll resort to my Sue Writing now…

Bad writing is intentional.

*whispers* Oh gosh, I can't wait until our Hunter gets here…

SueAuthor Writing:

Lillian Jessie Lola Perri Mackenzie Chase, Erilsa'a-Jessica Half-Elven for short, our beautiful, sweet, kind, and slim girl tapped on her magickal amulet and soared into the sky, crowing triumphantly.

"My amulet worketh!" She stated.

She gazed down at her arms, which were covered with scars of different animals and plants – she 'remembered' that she had gotten them when she had survived a bad… something or other… but really, she had just slammed into a blazing-hot iron covered with those pictures.

She alighted on the softly ground. Her golden hair swirled around her, and she opened her bright jade green eyes.

"Ada… (Father)" She stated, walking towards Elrond.

"A, yelya. (Hi, my daughter)"

"Mina an [The Rivers] (I want to go to the rivers)"

(A/N: This Elfishsindarinquenya thing hard!11! English now. Assume translation.0)

"Okay, daughter, you may go. Thy be careful." Elrond stated.

"Ya, father!" Erilsa'a danced off and mounted her horse, SparklyTwilightThingDude. He neighed, "Hi, gal!" because he was a magical talking horse from Narnia the north.

'Haha, SparklyTwilightThingDude, your so HILRIROUSjWIUTOWIUTOWJSLdjtOIJ!"

She rode off, shooting aimlessly at targets. "Thy am so PRO at bowshooting!" Erilsa'a felt choked.

Suddenly… she ran into Boromir! He glared at her. "I'm an evil DesignatedMysoginicBastard!Boromir and so I hate girls for no particular reason!"

But really… he hated her, but he was ENTRANCED by her beautiful jade blue eyes. _I must have her._ He thought.

Suddenly… and ELF came threw out of the woodsand! He through himself on Boromir and his pointy ears determined him as an elf to Erilsa'a. BUT… Elves are supposed to have Leaf-Shaped ears, but oh well.

Boromir ran off, screaming like a little girl.

"Thank you Legolas Greenleaf, you're my hero!" Legolas Greenleaf – even though that's technically calling him Greenleaf Greenleaf – smiled and kissed her hand.

"I love you Erilsa'a. Will you come to my castle?"

So Erilsa'a jumped onto his horse and together they made their way to Legolas' nonexistent castle.

End of SueAuthor writing.

Well. That was… interesting…. Did you notice how her horse suddenly disappeared as a chance to get close to her obvious 'twu luv'?

Also… did you find any references? Her horse doesn't count, that's too obvious. Here's a few hints… if you have read Legolas By Laura you should find one.

Mary Sue Diary fans… tune in next time for a Guided Tour of the Facility of Mary Sue Examination and Extermination – the FMSEE.

Also, a possible guest appearance from our Hunter! He or she won't be here for quite a while, but we need to meet him/her when we show you the FMSEE.

Thank you for reading and reviewing!


	5. The Facility

Welcome Mary Sue Diary fans!

Today we have a very special day… we go to the Facility!

Indeed, I'm already standing in front of the doors… look inside! There are quite a few Mary Sues being escorted toward their respective containment rooms. Shall we go inside and see more in depth?

Let's go say hi to that woman carrying the Mary Sue over her back… Hello! Would you care to—

'NO. I have enough to take care of now; go bother someone else.'

Sheesh! Some people can be rude… Oh, look! I know _him_. C'mon, he probably knows a bit about Mary Sues. He's also the one who supplied us with our Mary Sues for the Project, as Mary Sue Diary is known around here.

Hey, Luke! Would you mind telling us a little about the Facility?

'Well, I sure would. See, the Facility is home to an organization that analyzes Mary Sues and their Suethors to see what goes through their mind when they create their Mary Sues, and _why_ Mary Sues are so common. We also treat genuine Mary Sues to help them release their Suishness; some of them actually become scientists in the Facility. Quite a few of us have their roots in a Suefic.

Mary Sue Diary is our first expedition into the field, and was created with the intention of seeing Mary Sues in their environment. We take the data we find and analyze their results. Follow me, I'll show you guys the data for the Sues you been following.'

I'm very excited to see how the Mary Sues of Mary Sue Diary rank among other Sues. I'm sure you are, too. I think we're here… Luke, would you care to explain?

'Yes. You see this computer?' *computer whirrs* 'Watch the screen.'

'Those charges with the totals are called Subsections. They come in handy.'

0 – 20, 0= none 15+ = High Risk of Sue

Add all Subsection Totals together to get the Sue Factor.

Angsty Sue – Anne WithaE – Data collected:

'See, this Angst Factor is a Subsection. Most Recommended Choice is not.'

Angst Factor… 19.999 HIGH SUE RISK, COUNTER MEASURES BELOW

Most Recommended Choice… Bring in a Mary Sue Hunter from ANY agency! IF Sue Factor is HIGH to DEFINITE.

Get OUT of that Fanfic. No good will come of staying. Refer to above measure.

Beauty Factor… 16.21 Sue Risk. Continue observing.

Canon Tie? Yes. Improbable Canon Tie? Yes… 15.5 Sue Risk. Continue observing.

Self-Insert? Possible. 11.00 Possible Risk, continue observing

Impossibly Powerful? Not Yet Observed. Hinted. Continue observing.

Shifting/Adding Canon Locations? Observed.

Completely Improbable? Add 19.50 to Sue Factor.

Giving Canon characters different ranks… add 12.00 to Sue Factor. COUNTS AS IMPROBABLE.

If total added higher than 19.49, get a Geographic Protector from ANY agency. TOTAL ADDED IN SUBSECTION: 31.50 – Geographic Protector necessary.

Unnecessary Description? Observed. 15.99 Risk.

Adding Modern Into Non-Modern setting? Observed. 5/7 Objects Modern. Consider 12.50 Sue Risk. Obvious non-care.

Bad elvish usage? 12.50 – possible ignorance/not caring

Girl-Falls-Into-Middle-Earth-Acclimates-Perfectly: N/A

Annoying/Unnecessary Author's Notes? Not Observed

SPaG Lesson Needed/Thesaurus Puke: 10.00

Sue Factor:

19.999 + 16.21 + 15.5 + 11.00 + 31.50 + 12.50 + 12.50 +10.00=

129.209

SUE DETECTED. CONTINUE OBSERVING IF YOU DARE. REFER TO RECOMMENDED ACTIONS.

'And that is a Sue Detector. Not as fancy as some of the gadgets from specific agencies, but it tells us what we need to know.'

Thank you Luke. Now, we already have viewers with questions… can I read them off to you?

**What is the highest Mary Sue reading achieved?**

I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure it is somewhere in the 500s to the 1000s. But it depends on how many Subsections there are.

**How do you use this?**

It's very easy. But you a) need to have someone else do it for you or b) need to be completely honest with yourself. Go through your story and make subsections out of charges. Create totals. (10+ is Sue Possible, 15+ Sue Risk 19+ High Sue Risk) If you only find 3 or less charges, consider your character most likely not a Sue. But if there is more than three, add up the number of subsections that have been observed(NOT the total) and multiply by ten. So, if you have ten subsections, you would be out of 100. However, if you have 10 subsections, and one of them is Not Observed or Not Applicable, you would only multiply 9 by 10. You only consider the subsections that are Observed valid.

If your Sue Factor Total is higher than your subsections x 10, it is very, very possible you have a Sue on your hands. If it is more than 15 higher, it is a Mary Sue. A good character should not have more than 9 total in most subsections. However, there are some good characters that may fail this test. You just need to be honest with yourself.

**What is a Mary Sue?**

… you should know already. You watch Mary Sue Diary.

'Oh! Is that your Hunter?'

Yep. Viewers, we'd better go say hi…

Hello there! Are you the Hunter for Mary Sue Diary?

'That I am. Pleased to meet you.'

'I hope to see you soon.'

'Umm… Sure. Me too. Definitely. Absolutely sure.'

Ookay then… Well, that was Mary Sue Diary for today! Thank you for joining us on our tour of the Facility!

*epic music plays*

Mary Sue Diary.


End file.
